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Unfinished business from a prior relationship is a bigger obstacle
to healthy new relationships than many of us realize. You may have
suffered some degree of loss when your last relationship ended.
Wrap Up Any Lingering Business From Your Past Relationship
It's important to let yourself experience the ensuing grief and
all the feelings associated with it. This takes time. Don't date
for emotional revenge, to prove your eligibility, or to abate feelings
of loneliness. Date when you are emotionally unencumbered by any
prior relationship. Remember too that maintaining responsibilities
and patterns from a past relationship can send signals of unavailability.
Does he continue to make payments on your car and then expect to
borrow it on weekends? Does she still keep clothes and exercise
equipment at your house? Do you still call each other, just to check
in, every Sunday morning? Make a decision. It's impossible to hold
on and let go at the same time.
Get Your Life In Good Working Order
A new romantic partner won't fix what is broken in your day-to-day
life. It may temporarily distract you from any pending disasters,
but it isn't a solution. Eventually, disasters happen. Take a look
at your career, home, family, and relationships with friends:
Is everything in good working order?
Are you in a healthy emotional state?
Make sure you feel sane and happy and that your behavior is honest,
open, and free from manipulation. Clean up the mess in your house
before inviting company over. Everyone will have a better time.
There's nothing sexier or more attractive than a successful, healthy
and happy person. They have a certain self confidence and air of
irresistibility about them. Be one.
Give Yourself A Makeover
Your appearance is important, especially in the early dating stages.
As much as we want to be loved for who we are on the inside, the
outside package can make or break a budding romance. When you look
your best you also feel your best. New relationships are opportunities
for fresh starts. Now is the perfect time to repackage yourself.
How?
Color your hair and get a daring, stylish cut.
Try some new makeup.
Get a manicure.
Experiment with a different cologne or perfume.
Lose those ten pounds and get that definition you've always wanted.
After you've shaped up, treat yourself to some new clothes, preferably
something you can wear on a first date.
Have some fun with the process and enjoy the results.
Determine The Qualities You Desire In A Mate
Make a list of the qualities and characteristics your next lover
must possess. Try to avoid the obvious--tall, dark, and handsome--and
instead look at issues of compatibility, communications style, behavior
traits, interests, energy, life goals, relationship goals, personality,
and intelligence. Keep your expectations high (you deserve a quality
partner), but also realistic. Divide your preferences into two categories:
"must have" and "preferred."
Once you've mulled over the list, get out an eraser and eliminate
half the preferred criteria and move a few of your must haves over
to preferred. Finally, list your attributes in order of priority.
Remember, while it's unlikely that anyone will have all of your
required attributes, many potential dates will show up offering
qualities you haven't considered but may come to truly appreciate.
Allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised.
Remind Yourself That You Have A Lot To Offer
Deep inside we are all beautiful and remarkable people who deserve
the joys and many treasures that life and love can provide. Unfortunately,
many of us have forgotten who we really are and how uniquely lovable
that person is. Stay away from the comparison game. It's rigged.
You seldom seem to be enough, or have enough and consequentially,
you tend to come out the loser. Sometimes, after an unhappy relationship
ends, we walk away with a temporarily damaged self-esteem. We forget
how much we have to offer the world and what great catches we really
are. The real you isn't the same as your ex-lover's bitter perspective
of you. Ask your friends for some input. Remind yourself how special
you are until it becomes second nature. Your relationship may have
failed, but your life hasn't.
Come "Out" As A Single Person
Many loving relationships are the result of amateur matchmaking
by a mutual friend or associate. If you are recently single after
a lengthy marriage or relationship, you may continue to be perceived
as "off the market." Set the record straight. Announce
to the world that you are single, available, and looking. Casually
mention to your neighbors that you are dating again. Let your family
know that you're ready to meet someone new. Remove anything that
might be mistaken as an engagement or wedding ring. Take pictures
of the ex off your desk, out of your wallet, and off the walls at
home. Feelings of shame or failure about being single don't serve
you. Get over them. You're in some very good company and finally
in a position to meet someone terrific.
Make A Plan And Go For It
Develop well-thought strategies for finding a partner and devote
yourself and your time to the effort. Dig in--dating requires some
work, but it can also be a lot of fun. What can you do?
Post an alluring Match.Com profile.
Commit to sending at least one email to a new anon each day.
Attend all the real world parties you are invited to.
Have a party of your own and ask everyone to bring one single friend
of the appropriate gender.
Join clubs.
Go to dances.
Flirt with people you meet at the grocery store.
Get rejected.
Date as many eligible singles as possible.
Become friends with some of your dates. Friends have friends of
their own, one of whom might be your future life partner. Continue
to evaluate your efforts and fine-tune your strategy. Stay in the
game and don't stop until you're in the relationship you desire.
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